My boyfriend says that I have an immune system akin to that of a 96 year old woman. And he's right.
When talk of people in the office or surrounding Cleveland metropolis start complaining about sniffles or body aches, I go into sheer fits of terror. I feel like a medical viral war vet after having survived 2 bouts of Mono, a botched appendectomy, 2 cervical cancer scares and the worst sore throats that anyone on this earth could possibly imagine. I hear the word sinus infection, and I hit the floor like I heard a loud crash and suffer from PTSD.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I, like the rest of the “normal” people out there, could get the simple cold or flu. No, my poor body, which I’m sure steps up to the proverbial plate suited up ready for action, has the best intentions of staving off evil viruses and diabolical bacteria, but sadly takes these simple symptoms and somehow turns itself into a utopian breeding house of hateful illnesses. I end up with bronchitis ON TOP of a Super bacterial sinus infection. As if a regular sinus infection wasn’t enough.
I have been popping pills of various shapes, sizes and colors for 2 weeks now. I think I started off with pseudoephedrine this morning but have since, lost track of what is actually entering my body. What does it matter? It won’t help anyways. I think I may have just eaten some m&m s thinking they were those candy coated Advil. How can you tell the difference when you can’t smell therefore can’t taste anything?
I’m pretty sure all of these ‘helpful’ drugs have annihilated my taste buds. I can almost sort of detect flavors of things, more like a faint inkling of what I’m supposed to be consuming but it more so has the flavor like the item has been burning in a tire-lined fire pit. It goes without saying that most food is unappetizing. Needless to say, I can’t even stomach eating pretzels at this point. No matter what enters my body, unless it’s in liquid Ginger Ale form, my poor ever trying body attacks it like it’s cancer.
I took the advice of my well-meaning friends and family members (a number of them being in the medical profession) and gave the ol’ B.R.A.T. diet (that would be bananas, rice, applesauce and toast) my best. Toast started off alright, almost promising until 10 minutes passed and my body started cramping up like it was the worst period I was ever going to get in my life. Obviously not pleased, I tried the banana. This went down smoothly, we passed the 10 minute mark, the 15 minute mark and approached the 16 minute mark where I immediately prairie dogged in my seat and scooted my chair in a very hurried manner towards the bathroom.
At this point, the thought of rice scares the living Jesus out of me. Though I’m willing to be sadistic and give apple sauce a go this evening. That is if I even have apple sauce at home. I think the last time I checked, I only had 6 eggs, 2 “ends” of some marble rye bread and some wilted grapes. I will keep in mind that my diet should continue to stay bland and that maybe, if God is looking kindly upon me, come Sunday, I’ll shoot for a grilled cheese. Regardless, wish me luck.
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